The veterans will be spared my talents

by Tommy Wells

There are few things on this giant rock that we call Earth that makes me nervous. Whether it is because I take great pride in being able to “wing it” at almost any point or not, just ask She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad about my iability to change direction on a dime. Once on vacation, we made an unplanned exit it Kansas because we (read that as ‘I’) saw some football stadium lights glowing in the distance. Lights, much to her chagrin, must be investigated, you know.
However, I have to be honest, I was asked to do something this Monday that has me a bit antsy. Yours truly will be the guest speaker at a Memorial Day celebration in the hustling, bustling community of Blackwell, a small community just south of Abilene. The fact that I will have to speak in front of tens of people, doesn’t send chills down my spine. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can - and often do - talk to anyone. Having spent hours and hours working as a sports broadcaster have prepped me well to ramble on about the smallest of things.

The thing that has my knees shakier than a bowl of jello is that I want the speech I give to accomplish two things: honor the veterans that made such a huge impact on my life, and be very quick.

So, bear with me as I seek out a perfect start. Perhaps I should go with the Shakespearean “Friends, Old men and Veterans” approach. On second thought, I uncelebrated a birthday on Monday, so I don’t want to insult myself by making fun of old men.

SWMNBMM agreed, saying jokes about old men who knew how to shoot was probably a bad idea. I have to agree. I’m pretty certain that isn’t the kind of retirement plan anyone wants.

Maybe I should be more folksy and warm the crowd up with a song on my guitar.

“I definitely wouldn’t do that,” SWMNBMM said.

“Really?” I queried.

“It’s not that you can’t play songs on your flag-colored guitar,” she said. “It’s just that you aren’t ... how do I say this? ... any good.”

“That can’t be true,” I asserted.

“Babe,” she said without a smile. “I hate to be the one to tell you this every day, but you can’t sing. I’m pretty sure if the Russians knew you were going to sing in Ukraine tomorrow, they would retreat today.”

“I’m that bad?” I asked.

“Do you remember the time they asked you to sing the National anthem as the college basketball game?” she said.

“Yes ...” I said cautiously. “The teams clapped for me when I did it.”

“Babe, one of the teams stayed in the locker room and the other was the Southwest Collegiate Institute for the Deaf. They were clapping because they couldn’t hear you.”

“Maybe I should just start the speech by wishing everyone a good morning, and telling them about my brother, Danny Wells, and my friend ‘Smiley’ Backherms?” I muttered.

“That’s a much better idea,” she said.

At least I have a plan ...

Tommy Wells is the editor of The McGregor Mirror.